Friday, March 25, 2011

Wisdom Of Experience

It occurs to me, that tonight may be a bad night to write, as I am
feeling rather defeated and small...invisible. My thirtieth Birthday
is right around the corner, and truth be told, I'm not where I thought
I would be at this stage in my life...but in spite of the various
obstacles in my path, I am looking forward to where I'm going.

As I put the past behind me and say good-bye to my twenties, I can't
help but acknowledge the many changes my heart and my head have
undergone. Ten years ago, I hoped for nothing more but to fall in
love and get, after having been married, I realize that
who I thought I was and what I thought I wanted, were all wrong. Who
I am and what I want, unfortunately have nothing to do with marriage
at all. In my twenties I wanted a husband, for my thirties I look
forward to my freedom with the option of a boy toy, preferably in his

I was convinced most of my young adult life, that motherhood was not
for me. Maternal feelings were foreign to me. Babies didn't make me
want to ooh and ah, they made me roll my eyes and panic if God
forbid, someone tried to make me hold one. Needless to say, when the
day came that I had to pee on that magical stick, it was a bit of a
shock to my system to see the word "pregnant" flash across that tiny
screen. It's a good thing pregnancy lasts nine months, because that's
about how long it took me to get used to the idea. Even after giving
birth, the only word I could think of to describe the whole
experience was surreal. The moment I actually held her in my arms,
everything changed. It was real. I may not have believed that I was
ever meant to be a mother, but I can say without a doubt, from the
bottom of my heart, the very core of my being - I was meant to be HER
mother. In the end, it's turned out to be the one thing I really know
for sure about myself.

Some people that have known me over the last decade, may argue that 
I am a bit of a commitment phobe. Reviewing my choices to move
every six months, my attraction to men who prefer to stay
unattached and my track record with jobs, I suppose there may be 
some truth to that. Although it's probably less of a fear of commitment
and more a fear of disappointment. It takes about six months to get to
know people. After that, you have to start to look below the surface,
see beyond the superficial and the sad truth is, that often I don't like
what I moving always seemed like a good way to avoid that.
Leave on a high note where everyone is still wonderful and fun. The
thing with men is no less of a self-preservation thing. I always want
the unattainable because it's safest. No chance of actual feelings and
actual heartbreak. The job thing isn't so deep. They're jobs. That's
all. I bartend, I wait pays the bills, but it does
nothing for my soul. There's the third thing I learned about myself,
I'm a writer. Not in theory, but an actual writer. Published. The
real deal. I repeat it not for your sake, but to remind myself.
Sometimes we need to do that, bring the dream into reality. Say it
out loud to make it real. I don't know why it's so hard for us to
believe that the things we want most in life are actually possible.
Maybe I'll figure that one out by the time I'm forty.

In the mean time I guess it's enough to know what I know. So as I
look toward the next stage of my life and leave that last chapter
behind me, I also look forward to my new outlook as the 'grown-up' me.

In my twenties I thought I knew everything, now I know that I knew

I believed that love could conquer all and was always enough. That's
true for your children, not for your partner.

My judgement in men sucks. I cannot be trusted. From now on, I'm
letting others pick for me...

Marriage is all about compromise. I hate to compromise.

I am both bitter and naive. It's an odd combination. I believe the
worst about people, but I'm still stunned when I find out I'm right.

What I lack in my romantic relationships, I make up for in the
relationships with my fellow female people. The women who were
closest to me ten years ago, are still here today. In my corner, in
my life and always in my heart.

I trust too easily. It's a real problem. I'll probably keep that one

I spent the first half of my twenties building my life, and the
second half ripping it to shreds. Now it's time to rebuild. Stronger.
Better. In my twenties I believed in possibilities I wasn't ready to
pursue. I'm ready now.

So when I blow out those candles, I won't be making a wish this year.
I'll be making a promise. To myself, my mother and my daughter. To be
the woman my daughter needs me to be and my mother always
believed I already was.


  1. You're so amazing! I love the way you express yourself in words. I'm so proud of you! Love ya! Heidi (oh, and Happy 30th!)